Dear Emily
by Stephensmat
Summary: Jake has to make up his mind one way or the other. This new and dangerous world will not tolerate indecision for long.


Dear Emily

This is not the way I wanted to do this, it's an act of cowardice I know, but the fact is, time has become a factor, and I need to do this before I go.

I love you. There. I said it. We've both gone tap-dancing around it since I came home, but time is a factor now so there's no sense keeping that up.

You were my first love. My great love in fact, but that isn't enough. Eric and April loved each other too. And the truth is, we never should have gone as far as we did before Roger showed up.

We both went our separate ways a long time ago, and no matter how much it grieves me to simply lay it out like this, you deserve better than me. You were raised in horror, by a man that nobody in this town can stand. it is a past that has cost you so much in your life, including especially, the fact that it brought you me.

I love you Emily, but as long as I am around, you will never be free of that past, and I cant just disappear again only to reappear five years from now and screw up your life again.

I know what you're thinking. For months I thought the same: All that changed in a flash of nuclear fire, but it didn't change us. not that much, not like the others. One day I will tell you about Ravenswood, and about what happened with Jonah, and maybe you'll understand, even if you cant forgive me.

Jonah is still a factor. Ravenswood even more so, and as long as they are, that part of my life, the part I tried so hard to escape will always be a problem for us.

The world went berserk, and the only way it affected me in the long term is that it grounded me. All of a sudden I was staying in Jericho. it stopped being a way-point, and became my home again. And it brought me back to you.

I saw you, and everything that happened in between, from the day I left to the day I came back was instantly forgotten. Remember what I said about how the disaster hadn't changed us that much? it's because it simply reset the clock. You never wanted to leave Jericho, and I've always lived under the threat of imminent violence. Everything outside changed, but here we were, drinking, dancing, singing along to our favorite songs. Like nothing had changed.

But that's the problem Emily. Things HAVE changed. We never made plans, we never looked forward, we never faced the new world together, we reminisced. We talked about the good old days, we danced to our song, we drank to the old gang. But the fact is, those days are as far away as the last Ice Age, and we aren't the type to look forward as a team.

Nothing will change how much I cared about you, or how much I loved those times, but they are over now.

I talked to Roger. you two were making plans for the future, working out how to adapt your home, comparing notes on survival traits and all the things he's seen while on the road.

That's my life now. Survival was always my talent, but now the stakes are so much higher.

It's the first time I've had people depending on me Emily, and I owe it to them to get my head around the new world.

None of us want to face it, but we have to. And as long as I'm with you, I cant. You're quicksand to me, and I am to you.

Nothing will change how much I cared about you, or how much I loved those times, but they are over now. They have to be, or survival will be impossible. And I have too many people counting on me to screw things up this time.

This place, these people... Dad said that they needed a town militia, somebody to train it and lead it, and every eye in the building turned to me.

It's my last chance for redemption.

And then there's Heather.

Yeah, I know you've heard the rumors, and I know she's your closest friend here. I'll be honest with you Emily, I like her. I like her, and I like that she's so sharp. Did I ever tell you how I met her? It was the first disaster to face, and she had her head on straight, let me tell you. She was concussed, she was bleeding, and she had forty terrified kids looking to her, and she was so cool, collected and focused.

Standing in Main Street, on the way to Rogue River, a little less collected, but still...

I like her. She's like me. She's mixed up but she's thinking.

I loved spending time with these past few months Emily. My feelings for you haven't changed, but we've lived too long apart, and the world won't tolerate indecision any more.

Emily, I made a promise to your brother that I wouldn't drag you down into my life, and Roger, you made far more than a promise to him.

We have a history Emily, we have such a fantastic, passionate, history, but that night, just before Roger walked into town... did we talk even once about what would happen the next day?

It would be so easy Emily, it would be so easy to lose myself in those memories with you, but we have to adapt to this now. And I cant do that with you, because when I'm with you, all I can think about are those days.

You and I talked about yesterday. Heather and I were talking about tomorrow. Making ice, growing penicillin, building windmills. The girl's got some focus.

Eric and Stanley have been watching the three of us, wondering, placing pets on what will happen. When Roger showed up, money actually changed hands, they were betting so high. Stanley made the comment that since the world has been so fatally struck, then maybe you and Heather should share me for the survival of the species. I punched him for you.

What ever else, we had some real good times, but you can only cling to them so long Emily. When I'm with you, all I can think about are those days, but I've got a reason to look forward now, and since Roger has returned, so do you. The only thing keeping us in our past, is us.

So I'm removing myself from the equation, before I do some serious damage again. I wrecked your life once already, and we cannot do that again, not any more, not in this world.

I'm sorry if this is callous or cold or cruel Emily, but I need to close this with you, because this town is asking me to help them survive the future.

Heather has been away too long. Far longer than she should have. I'm worried about her.

So I'm going after her Emily, I don't know how long I'll be gone, and it's entirely possible that I wont be coming back. By the time you get this letter, I'll be gone already. I did that to you before, back when we were making plans ourselves. So I'm going to say goodbye this time. I owe you that.

I haven't met Roger yet, not really, but if you're marrying him, he must be something. I hope you two are happy together. I wish you nothing but good things, and I hope whatever the world throws at you, the two of you can face.

If she's alive, I'll bring your best friend home. And if there's a chance for her and me, I'll see it through, as long as it wont wreck your friendship with her, because I messed up your life once already, and I'm not going to do that again. I'm not going to blow it with her, I'm not going to blow it with you, and I'm not going to blow it with this town. This time I'm going to get it right.

It's my last chance at redemption.

Love

Jake.


End file.
